Marriage

I'll follow-up my previous emotional vomit of a post with an answer to Esperanza's question she posted in the comments, "Do you mind my asking what has caused that? Was it stress from the death of your daughter or has something more recent been plaguing you both? "


Short answer, 2009 was the year from hell before MyStar died. Her death just overshadowed everything else that went on that year. Stress from her death - most definitely. But that opened us up to realizing childhood issues, possible family depression for Hotness, and the need we had for each other that suddenly wasn't there.


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Long answer, 3 main things made 2009 terrible:
We moved in January to our new city. New jobs. Stress in and of itself.


In March, Hotness watched as his families farm was auctioned off. His dad and uncles and aunts were part of a family co-op. After his grandpa died, the uncles and aunts wanted out. His dad was the only one farming it anyway (Hotness and his three brothers grew up farming it all). But they wouldn't sell it to his dad. So they auctioned it off. Total back stabbing family shit that has never been resolved really. One aunt acknowledged what a shit move that was. Everyone else pretends it never happened. Hotness and his brothers are still hurt, and his Dad and Mom are still figuring out what life looks like if they aren't farming.


I've never admitted this next bit publicly. It haunts me, and makes me wonder about karma. I had an emotional affair with a man at work. It was my first full time job. I was excited to find a friend at work. 8 hours together ushered in good talks. He eventually tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. Later he tried again. And I didn't push him away. It was never more than that kiss. I told Hotness the next day (in June). I resigned from my job stating stress as the reason for leaving.


He never told his wife. We were pregnant a month before them. And they got to bring home their baby.


Hotness and I did counseling. He forgave me. He has never held it against me...never in the most intense fights has he ever brought it up or thrown it in my face. Never. 


And in December MyStar died.


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I hate myself for my obvious role in making a huge part of that year hell. I was stupid and foolish. I hate admitting it to you because I feel like scum. But it happened, and I'm being honest, and if you look down on me from now on, I understand. I wonder if on some super biological level something from all that bad energy and sobbing made my body reject my placenta. Dealing with one more thing was just too much. Or if just being bad equaled my daughter dying. I don't think about it on a daily basis, but a small part of my irrational self believes I caused her to die because I was a terrible person.


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Hotness struggles with the fact that he did EVERYTHING right. He got a job he wasn't thrilled with that year, he helped me find friends, he forgave me, he was excited to have a baby. And it all got demolished. Our really generic explanation of our faith that we grew up with is that if we do what is right, we'll be blessed. Well, MyStar dying was certainly not a blessing. His wife's infidelity was not a blessing. His family farm being sold was not a blessing. So even to this day, he still is figuring that out. Add that depression runs in his family. He had a really terrible stint with his depression meds. Scared me...scared him. So he's not on any right now.


And then there's me, who can't forgive myself for my stupidity. For not knowing my daughter was dying. I add plenty to this unhappy mix.


And grief just pulled us apart. I couldn't depend on him to hold me up, and he couldn't depend on me to hold him up in his toughest moments. I became connected to bloggers and other women in the city. We didn't understand where the other was at. And still don't on most days. We talked about divorce. But we were already pregnant again and that wasn't an option. I think we both considered suicide at various points (and this is all over a year ago...right at the 6 months out from MyStar's death).


But we're at a more stable spot for the most part. We aren't really that much closer. We don't really know how to move forward in an attempt to try and get back to the power duo that we were before. We just tuck the difficult elements away and focus on MySon and keeping the peace.


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How's that for a long answer? And some serious heavy baggage that you probably didn't need to read. Part of me feels really ashamed for laying it all out there. But part of me feels lighter too for finally allowing the full truth to be a part of my grief. 

Coworker

Hotness works at two banks. One in town for two days a week, and one in a nearby town three days. He does all the computer stuff, and whatever else they throw at him. He's good at it, no matter what he says. He learns fast, and is a good coworker.

One of his colleagues here in town was pregnant. With twins. She got a bad diagnosis for one of the twins. They knew it wasn't going to live for whatever reason. He didn't get complete updates since he works in Town B more often that here in Smalltown...they forget to tell him stuff that happens here. I asked him to ask her, or if I should go in and talk to her. 

Because once I know someone is having a difficult pregnancy, or has had a baby die, I'm all over it. I have resources, and kleenexes, and food and hugs and stories from other people, and on and on and on. I know that's my tendency to be overwhelming, so I didn't go talk to her. And Hotness didn't ask her anything. But I do have a card, and a Greek tear jar painted and ready to give though.

She ended up in BigCity due to complications. The babies were born. The one they knew wasn't going to make it lived for three hours. The other was in the NICU and was brought home recently. They put a letter in the paper, and an obituary.

The bank sign only announced the birth of the one twin. Even though the other was born and lived for three hours.

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I've never met this woman or anyone in her family. Hotness only interacted with her at work. I know that waiting for newly bereaved parents to ask for help is foolish, but I also don't know that just dropping by with a meal and grief gifts is what they want either. Maybe it is. I don't know.

Her experience is so different than mine, because she still has to focus on her two older kids, and this premie baby. Who knows if she's even had time to fully let the grief wash over? I know dead baby grief, but I don't know dead baby grief amidst other children.

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Another part of me wants to scream to Smalltown, "It happened to me too. My baby died too." My selfishness disgusts me...shames me. MyStar isn't supposed to be this attention getting ploy. She's just my daughter. And she died.

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I know baby death in Smalltown is barely talked of, and when it is, it's in ignorance. When I stalked the coworker on fb, everyone was giving her the generic awful advice that we here in the BLM community of come to loathe. It's not really a safe place to talk about dead baby grief. I have a horrific example, but I'm not going to make this space about my town gossip. We've all experienced the stupidity of people. And it's because they haven't learned. But it's made me timid to speak about MyStar. To mention MySon's older sister. That has contributed to my lonliness too.

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I know this blog will feel darker. I guess I've realized that I've had to hide a lot of my feelings lately on my other blog. I'm not depressed by any means, but there's still a sort of melancholy underneath some days. Leaving friends and being lonely has brought up some of those feelings again, as has drawing closer to December.