Bitten

Y'all... He nearly bit my n.pple off. Seriously. He has my big horse teeth up top, and sharp little teeth on the bottom. He didn't do it on purpose. I had him in bed with us in the later wee hours of the morning...both of us were dosing. He was dosing while nursing though, and apparently forgot what he was doing and chomped down.

I screamed awake, grabbed my boob, woke Hotness up, and MySon was startled but went back to sleep (why can't he do that well when he's on his own?). As I was getting ready a little later that morning, there were quite the little teeth marks with dried blood.

Oof, it's easy to see why people wean sooner if they have a persistent biter.

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Our sleep woes continue. Up every hour last night*. I revisited the notion of letting him cry...I always do with nights like that. If he's going to wail in my arms, I might as well let him wail in his crib? (Though he usually still settles down in my arms, whereas the crib...not so much)

Is it normal for them to cry for like, 2 hours straight with no sign of stopping while training? I get all this resolve to let him learn to fall asleep on his own, and then he just stands in the corner of his crib wailing for forever. I've read some mama's mention that you have to just let them cry for as long as it takes...that it takes a few days to work itself out?

Part of me is trying to determine if, at 9 months old, my son should be napping on his own and sleeping through the night...and since he's not, if I'm going to cause him to have serious issues. Or maybe I'm just nervous about holidays with family and being pointed at and talked about because he still naps with me, and has been so very difficult in the night the last few months. I really suck at this whole parenting thing.

*I should mention we are on week 3 of my not nursing him every time he wakes up. I only nurse around 3am, and the other times I just hold him and rock him back to sleep.
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23 months this month. I'm perplexed by the holidays this year. I'm deliriously excited for Christmas with MySon. I loved Christmas...and then MyStar died. And I still love it really. But how to give MyStar her own special time for us to think about her and not just be all high on glitzed out lights with Santa shooting snow out his ass. How to create traditions that include her.

Speaking of traditions. I want to make our holiday stockings. I don't know whether to make one for MyStar or not. Part of me adamantly says absolutely. Another part says to not be the weird family who has a stocking for their dead daughter. I hate caring. I miss some of the raw intensity that made me not care in those early months...kinda fucked up to say. It made it easier for me to make decisions about how to include MyStar.

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Wishing everyone some moments of peace as the holidays are near.

Fixing things

Every essence of my being wants to say something profound and something worth producing a deep love from him. Every night I wish I had the words to fix it all. We finish watching whatever mindless sludge, and go lay in bed to sleep. Or we read a few pages in silence before turning the lights out.

We do talk in the dark. It's not all fluff. But it's nothing that ever fixes the deep hole we are still in.If I could just arrange my words just right. Or wear just the right thing. Or keep house perfectly clean.

I honestly think this at times. All of my own volition...never by anything he's said.

And it's not just mindless words in the right arrangement...I mean what I'm trying to say. I love him with every breath and pump of my broken heart. But I don't know how to fix anything.

I know he has a deep love for me too, somewhere in there. He just can't feel it, and neither can I.