This is a bunch of miscellaneous thoughts really. Nothing cohesive or unified.
----
Playdate family (old high school nemesis-turned-"friend", 3 year old girl, and 8 month old girl) are causing me to possibly rethink playdates. The mom is friendly and amiable. The 8 mo. old is considerably behind MySon's milestones, but I think she's just chill and laid back - All in her own time. But really the problem is the 3 year old. She is just mean. To MySon, to her mom, sister, and any friends that come over. The mom doesn't set boundaries and there are no consequences to hitting people or screaming at people or anything. The mom literally just says, "Oh stop it." and that's it. The girl sits on MySon, pushes him, and made him cry by screaming in his face*. Where am I? Trying to prevent her from doing all this, but I feel conflicted because I thought her mom would actually do something. Her response to 3 year old is, "I can't wait til MySon is old enough to hit back." Ummm...not on my agenda of things I'm teaching my son. I'm a bit side swiped by the realization that I have to parent around other parents or their lack of parenting (I'm a little slow I guess). My questions is this: How do I handle this without burning bridges and cutting ties with the only playdate option we have? I don't want MySon to learn to be mean because of this girl. I've thought about saying, "If you keep hitting MySon, we'll have to leave." The mom is the type that will be offended easily though. But my job is to raise and protect my son, so he comes first.
Have you dealt with similar scenarios? What did you do or say? I ask for your wisdom :)
*I've never had a 3 year old though, so maybe this is normal and just a phase?
----
I've been asked to teach art to a group of kids...a family of 5 children from late elementary to early junior high. They are homeschooled, and their mom has seen my art and has some sort of absurd trust in my skills. Thing is, I do not have the gift of teaching. It's a paid thing though, and only as often or as little as I want. There's really not a lot of pressure in regards to perfection or curriculum even. I think it could be fun. I guess if it exposes them to different mediums and helps them be more creative thinkers, then it's worth it.
----
Day of the Dead is around the corner. I want to dress up for halloween and paint my face like a sugar skull. DoD is my new favorite holiday...or close to it. I love Christmas the most, but it has mixed emotions for me since MyStar died so close to it. DoD is fresh and new and represents a chance to celebrate and remember her. We do swaps and there is an unabashed notion that it's okay to remember. Maybe that's silly. I don't know.
----
I updated MyStar's grave this past weekend. Little baby pumpkins and new flowers.
----
MySon is growing so fast. It makes me sad. And delighted. We are dealing with terrible sleep, and separation anxiety. I feel needed. And smothered. Parenting after loss is such a dichotomy of joys and cursings. "He splashed in the tub...he's so cute, perfect and wonderful!"..."For the love of God play for 3 seconds by yourself so I can go to the bathroom." I complain on twi.tter or fb, but really, everything he does is something to celebrate...the hard stuff is endurable because he's alive and breathing. It always comes down to that.
----
I got together with two BLM's this past week back in BigCity. It was so refreshing. They get me.
I got together with two shadow babies & their parents, born the same week MyStar was due. I breathed and watched them. Wondering. But I didn't cry. They touched me as they passed to get a toy, or patted MySon on the head. "What could have been" is there, but not the focal point.
----
So thankful for the recent project created for this community. Really beautiful and makes me feel like I can finally "meet" some of the brilliant women I've been following and connecting with these past two years.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Marriage
I'll follow-up my previous emotional vomit of a post with an answer to Esperanza's question she posted in the comments, "Do you mind my asking what has caused that? Was it stress from the death of your daughter or has something more recent been plaguing you both? "
Short answer, 2009 was the year from hell before MyStar died. Her death just overshadowed everything else that went on that year. Stress from her death - most definitely. But that opened us up to realizing childhood issues, possible family depression for Hotness, and the need we had for each other that suddenly wasn't there.
----
Long answer, 3 main things made 2009 terrible:
We moved in January to our new city. New jobs. Stress in and of itself.
In March, Hotness watched as his families farm was auctioned off. His dad and uncles and aunts were part of a family co-op. After his grandpa died, the uncles and aunts wanted out. His dad was the only one farming it anyway (Hotness and his three brothers grew up farming it all). But they wouldn't sell it to his dad. So they auctioned it off. Total back stabbing family shit that has never been resolved really. One aunt acknowledged what a shit move that was. Everyone else pretends it never happened. Hotness and his brothers are still hurt, and his Dad and Mom are still figuring out what life looks like if they aren't farming.
I've never admitted this next bit publicly. It haunts me, and makes me wonder about karma. I had an emotional affair with a man at work. It was my first full time job. I was excited to find a friend at work. 8 hours together ushered in good talks. He eventually tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. Later he tried again. And I didn't push him away. It was never more than that kiss. I told Hotness the next day (in June). I resigned from my job stating stress as the reason for leaving.
He never told his wife. We were pregnant a month before them. And they got to bring home their baby.
Hotness and I did counseling. He forgave me. He has never held it against me...never in the most intense fights has he ever brought it up or thrown it in my face. Never.
And in December MyStar died.
----
I hate myself for my obvious role in making a huge part of that year hell. I was stupid and foolish. I hate admitting it to you because I feel like scum. But it happened, and I'm being honest, and if you look down on me from now on, I understand. I wonder if on some super biological level something from all that bad energy and sobbing made my body reject my placenta. Dealing with one more thing was just too much. Or if just being bad equaled my daughter dying. I don't think about it on a daily basis, but a small part of my irrational self believes I caused her to die because I was a terrible person.
----
Hotness struggles with the fact that he did EVERYTHING right. He got a job he wasn't thrilled with that year, he helped me find friends, he forgave me, he was excited to have a baby. And it all got demolished. Our really generic explanation of our faith that we grew up with is that if we do what is right, we'll be blessed. Well, MyStar dying was certainly not a blessing. His wife's infidelity was not a blessing. His family farm being sold was not a blessing. So even to this day, he still is figuring that out. Add that depression runs in his family. He had a really terrible stint with his depression meds. Scared me...scared him. So he's not on any right now.
And then there's me, who can't forgive myself for my stupidity. For not knowing my daughter was dying. I add plenty to this unhappy mix.
And grief just pulled us apart. I couldn't depend on him to hold me up, and he couldn't depend on me to hold him up in his toughest moments. I became connected to bloggers and other women in the city. We didn't understand where the other was at. And still don't on most days. We talked about divorce. But we were already pregnant again and that wasn't an option. I think we both considered suicide at various points (and this is all over a year ago...right at the 6 months out from MyStar's death).
But we're at a more stable spot for the most part. We aren't really that much closer. We don't really know how to move forward in an attempt to try and get back to the power duo that we were before. We just tuck the difficult elements away and focus on MySon and keeping the peace.
----
How's that for a long answer? And some serious heavy baggage that you probably didn't need to read. Part of me feels really ashamed for laying it all out there. But part of me feels lighter too for finally allowing the full truth to be a part of my grief.
Short answer, 2009 was the year from hell before MyStar died. Her death just overshadowed everything else that went on that year. Stress from her death - most definitely. But that opened us up to realizing childhood issues, possible family depression for Hotness, and the need we had for each other that suddenly wasn't there.
----
Long answer, 3 main things made 2009 terrible:
We moved in January to our new city. New jobs. Stress in and of itself.
In March, Hotness watched as his families farm was auctioned off. His dad and uncles and aunts were part of a family co-op. After his grandpa died, the uncles and aunts wanted out. His dad was the only one farming it anyway (Hotness and his three brothers grew up farming it all). But they wouldn't sell it to his dad. So they auctioned it off. Total back stabbing family shit that has never been resolved really. One aunt acknowledged what a shit move that was. Everyone else pretends it never happened. Hotness and his brothers are still hurt, and his Dad and Mom are still figuring out what life looks like if they aren't farming.
I've never admitted this next bit publicly. It haunts me, and makes me wonder about karma. I had an emotional affair with a man at work. It was my first full time job. I was excited to find a friend at work. 8 hours together ushered in good talks. He eventually tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. Later he tried again. And I didn't push him away. It was never more than that kiss. I told Hotness the next day (in June). I resigned from my job stating stress as the reason for leaving.
He never told his wife. We were pregnant a month before them. And they got to bring home their baby.
Hotness and I did counseling. He forgave me. He has never held it against me...never in the most intense fights has he ever brought it up or thrown it in my face. Never.
And in December MyStar died.
----
I hate myself for my obvious role in making a huge part of that year hell. I was stupid and foolish. I hate admitting it to you because I feel like scum. But it happened, and I'm being honest, and if you look down on me from now on, I understand. I wonder if on some super biological level something from all that bad energy and sobbing made my body reject my placenta. Dealing with one more thing was just too much. Or if just being bad equaled my daughter dying. I don't think about it on a daily basis, but a small part of my irrational self believes I caused her to die because I was a terrible person.
----
Hotness struggles with the fact that he did EVERYTHING right. He got a job he wasn't thrilled with that year, he helped me find friends, he forgave me, he was excited to have a baby. And it all got demolished. Our really generic explanation of our faith that we grew up with is that if we do what is right, we'll be blessed. Well, MyStar dying was certainly not a blessing. His wife's infidelity was not a blessing. His family farm being sold was not a blessing. So even to this day, he still is figuring that out. Add that depression runs in his family. He had a really terrible stint with his depression meds. Scared me...scared him. So he's not on any right now.
And then there's me, who can't forgive myself for my stupidity. For not knowing my daughter was dying. I add plenty to this unhappy mix.
And grief just pulled us apart. I couldn't depend on him to hold me up, and he couldn't depend on me to hold him up in his toughest moments. I became connected to bloggers and other women in the city. We didn't understand where the other was at. And still don't on most days. We talked about divorce. But we were already pregnant again and that wasn't an option. I think we both considered suicide at various points (and this is all over a year ago...right at the 6 months out from MyStar's death).
But we're at a more stable spot for the most part. We aren't really that much closer. We don't really know how to move forward in an attempt to try and get back to the power duo that we were before. We just tuck the difficult elements away and focus on MySon and keeping the peace.
----
How's that for a long answer? And some serious heavy baggage that you probably didn't need to read. Part of me feels really ashamed for laying it all out there. But part of me feels lighter too for finally allowing the full truth to be a part of my grief.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Obligation
I feel hounded.
My dad and his wife want to come to see us, again. My stepdad wants to come see us. My mom and her husband always want to see us. My grandparents always want to see us. My inlaws want to see us.
I complain about being lonely, but I also appreciate my space. I appreciate the chance to choose who and what we do, instead of doing things out of obligation. I feel loved by our families. I appreciate their willingness to travel and make time to see us. But it often feels overwhelming.
Until I was 13, I grew up with a single mother. My parents divorced when I was young. My mom couldn't afford daycare or many babysitters. I often went to work with her, and sat in the break room reading or drawing...anything that was quiet and made me mostly invisible. I learned to only speak when spoken to. I learned to jump when people said to jump, so as to be as small of an inconvenience as possible.
I started high school in Kansas. A new transplant from the big city. My mom was newly remarried, we were new to Smalltown, and I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was innocent and naive and gullible. I learned to continue to try and be mostly invisible. To try and be as little an inconvenience as possible.
----
I think there are elements of how I grew up that are positives for sure. But I feel like I grew up learning how to be a really great doormat to all the other people in the world. It's what made me an insecure artist. It's what made me feel tired and overwhelmed in being around people. Whatever my ingrained genetic personality was as an introvert, was doubled by the environment that I grew up in. It was exhausting catering to everyone else's needs. Throw in my religious upbringing to be a servant, and I was the best goddamn doormat you ever saw.
Serving others, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Being intuitive and sensitive to how others might perceive something you do, is not a bad thing. But when it's all unbalanced, when there's no self care, or protection of self, and you lose who you are or are insecure in yourself because of it all...then it's a bad thing.
----
Hotness started the process of helping me deconstruct my self image, my way of social interaction and lack of self care. He cared about me. How I felt about things. How things effected me. He helped protect me from myself. He taught me to start saying no.
MyStar's death blew the lid off everything though. Who gave a fuck what so and so thought about this or that? My daughter died and that's all that mattered. My art came alive out of her death. I still felt dead...do still feel dead some days. But her dying helped me to observe that if I didn't cater to everyone else's needs at that time, it wasn't going to be the end of the world. That I could be a little selfish and take care of me. And I slowly learned to take care of me and Hotness again. And I'm learning to take care of me, Hotness and MySon.
----
But I have all these peripheral family units to balance too. Coming up on two years out from MyStar's death means I should be healed and able to handle life and be my old self again. I can be the doormat that I was again. I feel the pull to be that again.
Hotness and I aren't even close to being ok. Our marriage is still in shambles. We just neatly stack all the pieces in a corner so that we don't stumble on them all the time. We watch n.etflix or h.ulu every night, because it helps keep us distracted. We do talk. We have hard talks. But we have no answers. None. At all. So instead of focusing on having no real direction to go, we fix our house, watch tv shows, play and love on our son, and try not to do anything to totally destroy our marriage.
The close proximity of my family adds a huge element of stress. My dad has a debilitating mental illness, which makes visits from him difficult and stressful, and add that I'm not a big fan of his wife. I know all families have quirks and difficulties, so I won't go on and on about what all mine are.
But I say all this because I feel guilty. I feel hounded. I feel like I should be able to say no, but then I'm not a good daughter, or a good person. I feel rather evil most days actually. How I really feel goes against EVERYTHING that I grew up learning and believing.
Our society, and rightly so, values and respects people who give of themselves to fill a need or serve or make sacrifices. I don't want to fill a need, or serve, or make any sacrifices. I just don't want to. I want to try and fix my marriage. I want to take care of my son.
Saying all that feels like I am abandoning my family. They made sacrifices for me. They made time and had energy for me. Don't I owe them that back?
----
I'm feeling really tired and down right now. About everything I said above.
About MySon being at a point that we need to figure out sleep stuff. I'm embarrassed to say that he'll only take a nap with me...nursing. He sleeps in his own crib at night, after being nursed to sleep. I have allowed it this long because I love cuddling him. He's growing so fast, and I want to savor these moments. But when we travel or need to be out of our normal routine, it's difficult because I can't just lay him down.
Some nights I feel like forcing him will be bad. That he'll progress on his own. That's how he made it to sleeping in his own crib. And other nights I want to pull my hair out because it can sometimes take two hours for him to be fully out. And with all these new developments he's waking himself up more and needing my help to go back to sleep.
I guess I'm more AP than other "brands" of parenting. I'm not super comfortable with CIO. But somedays it seems like the best thing to try. I've read the main sleeping books that everyone throws around to try. I'm either dimwitted and can't implement something correctly, a big wuss for not being able to allow him to CIO, or cold hearted* because I want to let him CIO some days.
I'm kind of just sobbing at this point. The last two nights have been mostly sleepless. I just need to stop writing. This has been one big "woe is me" and I'm sorry.
*I should clarify. I realize that some things may work for others that don't work for us. Or that work for us and don't work for others. I go back and forth about where we fit in regards to CIO. I think each family should do what is best for them, and have no judgement passed on them for that.
My dad and his wife want to come to see us, again. My stepdad wants to come see us. My mom and her husband always want to see us. My grandparents always want to see us. My inlaws want to see us.
I complain about being lonely, but I also appreciate my space. I appreciate the chance to choose who and what we do, instead of doing things out of obligation. I feel loved by our families. I appreciate their willingness to travel and make time to see us. But it often feels overwhelming.
Until I was 13, I grew up with a single mother. My parents divorced when I was young. My mom couldn't afford daycare or many babysitters. I often went to work with her, and sat in the break room reading or drawing...anything that was quiet and made me mostly invisible. I learned to only speak when spoken to. I learned to jump when people said to jump, so as to be as small of an inconvenience as possible.
I started high school in Kansas. A new transplant from the big city. My mom was newly remarried, we were new to Smalltown, and I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was innocent and naive and gullible. I learned to continue to try and be mostly invisible. To try and be as little an inconvenience as possible.
----
I think there are elements of how I grew up that are positives for sure. But I feel like I grew up learning how to be a really great doormat to all the other people in the world. It's what made me an insecure artist. It's what made me feel tired and overwhelmed in being around people. Whatever my ingrained genetic personality was as an introvert, was doubled by the environment that I grew up in. It was exhausting catering to everyone else's needs. Throw in my religious upbringing to be a servant, and I was the best goddamn doormat you ever saw.
Serving others, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Being intuitive and sensitive to how others might perceive something you do, is not a bad thing. But when it's all unbalanced, when there's no self care, or protection of self, and you lose who you are or are insecure in yourself because of it all...then it's a bad thing.
----
Hotness started the process of helping me deconstruct my self image, my way of social interaction and lack of self care. He cared about me. How I felt about things. How things effected me. He helped protect me from myself. He taught me to start saying no.
MyStar's death blew the lid off everything though. Who gave a fuck what so and so thought about this or that? My daughter died and that's all that mattered. My art came alive out of her death. I still felt dead...do still feel dead some days. But her dying helped me to observe that if I didn't cater to everyone else's needs at that time, it wasn't going to be the end of the world. That I could be a little selfish and take care of me. And I slowly learned to take care of me and Hotness again. And I'm learning to take care of me, Hotness and MySon.
----
But I have all these peripheral family units to balance too. Coming up on two years out from MyStar's death means I should be healed and able to handle life and be my old self again. I can be the doormat that I was again. I feel the pull to be that again.
Hotness and I aren't even close to being ok. Our marriage is still in shambles. We just neatly stack all the pieces in a corner so that we don't stumble on them all the time. We watch n.etflix or h.ulu every night, because it helps keep us distracted. We do talk. We have hard talks. But we have no answers. None. At all. So instead of focusing on having no real direction to go, we fix our house, watch tv shows, play and love on our son, and try not to do anything to totally destroy our marriage.
The close proximity of my family adds a huge element of stress. My dad has a debilitating mental illness, which makes visits from him difficult and stressful, and add that I'm not a big fan of his wife. I know all families have quirks and difficulties, so I won't go on and on about what all mine are.
But I say all this because I feel guilty. I feel hounded. I feel like I should be able to say no, but then I'm not a good daughter, or a good person. I feel rather evil most days actually. How I really feel goes against EVERYTHING that I grew up learning and believing.
Our society, and rightly so, values and respects people who give of themselves to fill a need or serve or make sacrifices. I don't want to fill a need, or serve, or make any sacrifices. I just don't want to. I want to try and fix my marriage. I want to take care of my son.
Saying all that feels like I am abandoning my family. They made sacrifices for me. They made time and had energy for me. Don't I owe them that back?
----
I'm feeling really tired and down right now. About everything I said above.
About MySon being at a point that we need to figure out sleep stuff. I'm embarrassed to say that he'll only take a nap with me...nursing. He sleeps in his own crib at night, after being nursed to sleep. I have allowed it this long because I love cuddling him. He's growing so fast, and I want to savor these moments. But when we travel or need to be out of our normal routine, it's difficult because I can't just lay him down.
Some nights I feel like forcing him will be bad. That he'll progress on his own. That's how he made it to sleeping in his own crib. And other nights I want to pull my hair out because it can sometimes take two hours for him to be fully out. And with all these new developments he's waking himself up more and needing my help to go back to sleep.
I guess I'm more AP than other "brands" of parenting. I'm not super comfortable with CIO. But somedays it seems like the best thing to try. I've read the main sleeping books that everyone throws around to try. I'm either dimwitted and can't implement something correctly, a big wuss for not being able to allow him to CIO, or cold hearted* because I want to let him CIO some days.
I'm kind of just sobbing at this point. The last two nights have been mostly sleepless. I just need to stop writing. This has been one big "woe is me" and I'm sorry.
*I should clarify. I realize that some things may work for others that don't work for us. Or that work for us and don't work for others. I go back and forth about where we fit in regards to CIO. I think each family should do what is best for them, and have no judgement passed on them for that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)